bliss beyond addiction & kundalini rebirth

At one time, my ability to feel my presence was equal to my ability to relax the body, to feel safe, and stay in the body without numbing or distracting myself. Bliss and joy were foreign concepts, because I was mostly just wanting to feel okay in my own skin. When I first started meditating, breathing, and taking time to connect with myself and just BE, the mind would rebel, and the body was in a constant state of fight or flight. With every noise, I felt the body flinch internally. I was on a lot of medications when this interest in meditation and alternative healing started. The meds helped with overwhelm, anxiety and depression temporarily, but they did no make a substantial difference. I wanted a real solution, a permanent solution, which seemed impossible at the time.

I tried loads and loads of eastern and western medicine and alternative healings, spending tens of thousands of dollars. I even paid for a silent meditation retreat and at the 11th hour, I didn't go! When the lady told me notebooks were not allowed, nor cell phones, nor books, I said NO WAY!!! I was terrified to be alone with just my mind for 3 solid days. To be fair, I had just pulled the plug on all the psych meds and the avalanche of emotions that were released made it incredibly difficult to be in presence, to just breathe and feel everything inside me. Part of the growing anxiety had to do with physical conditions like autoimmune disorders and constant body pain which seemed to get worse and worse the more I tried to fix them through Dr. visits, diet, exercise, herbs, vitamins, etc. I felt nearly insane and hopeless after pulling the plug on the meds, but I knew it was part of the clearing process to finally get to the bottom of things. It seemed difficult just to exist. Bliss was like a fairytale I heard people talking about!

I found some relief around this time by listening to relaxation and spiritual type audios geared around how loved we truly are and the miracles that can and do happen for people when they connect with Source, God, Universe. Whatever you call this Higher Power beyond human will, it’s one and the same and it’s part of you. These loving reminders gently supported me into feeling everything and trusting I could move through this into a blissful life. Simple guided relaxations helped the body release a lot of tension. I also found relief in the breath. Breathwork quiets the mind, clears old energy, and fills the body with more light. I finally felt moments of deep relaxation and freedom.

The best part was, not needing any substances like prescriptions, alcohol or pot... things that had helped me over the years to feel relaxed at the end of the day. I had thought that quitting alcohol and pot by way of seeing a Dr. And getting Rx drugs would be the responsible choice for my health and life, but I soon learned that the 24/7 effect of the meds made me feel even worse, more continuously numbed and depressed in the long run. Like band aids, all these things helped a little bit, but as they could no longer contain the bleeding of emotionally suppressed energy, I needed bigger bandaids. A drink or two can be a wonderful thing, but over consuming creates havoc in your body and life. I was inspired to see that I could actually feel better on my own, without dulling my health, clarity or motor skills or becoming dependent on external things as a daily crutch.

Could my true Self, that facet of Source that I Am, be powerful enough to lift me from the pits of perceived hell and even provide the relief and even the ”high" I was looking for? The high not being about getting messed up - quite the opposite - the high of being clear, aware, and feeling good enough to really, truly live and enjoy a fulfilling life! Could the true power of our presence, and remembering who we truly are be so simple yet so profound?

I listened to many beloved Creators' workshops and audios and fell in love with the ones reminding us of who we are, why we incarnated here, and that the Source of everything is love, and that creation is truly benevolent. This was a whole new world for me, mind blowing, not having been spiritually inclined until recently, in my late 30’s. Their presence and reassurance helped me stay in the body and deeply relax into it, clearing out the vessel of old energy and refilling it with my clear light of consciousness continuously. It wasn’t uncommon for me to listen to audios for 8 hours/day.

The body began to rejuvenate from the inside out and I learned that physical youthfulness has nothing to do with cosmetics or creams, very little to do with food or exercise, but it’s actually a reflection of how embodied you are with this light - with you! This isn’t to deny healthy ways of eating or living, but realizing that the root cause of dis-ease is energetic and emotional - creating things like a desire to binge, to numb, to wallow, or even to overwork, sacrifice, give to no end… Aging and cellular degeneration is caused by density. Density is caused by judgment. My body was enlightening! Enlightenment is the absence of judgment.

In 2015, just a few years after I stopped taking all the meds, I experienced the most amazing NDE, a spontaneous Kundalini awakening. It was spontaneous to the human awareness, but I came to see that my Creator Self had preplanned it. I had “retired” from my career of 22 years a few years back when this new awakening began, so I could dive inward and get to the bottom of all this nonsense for good. I would find permanent joy in life, or I'd die trying, so I took my retirement funds and went after it, spending years at home. I spent much of the time in bed early on. I was exhausted, stressed, sick, desperate, losing my mind. It was comparable to a nervous breakdown, as I had nearly lost my ability to function. Just taking a shower seemed a herculean feat. I had a very hard time leaving the house during those years.

By now, a few years in, I’d watched content from 100’s of masters and enlightened beings and I had found my mentor, who I began to work closely with. One truth carried across every message. Thinking seemed to be the big problem. Feeling and being in Presence seemed to be the Universal answer. I firmly decided, for the foreseeable future, to resign from thinking. Nothing in the outside world really mattered, as compared to my knowing of who/what I Am and why I’m here. I sat and sat and sat, and watched all the old emotions and thoughts, and finally realized they weren’t necessary, none of them. Not the positive ones. Not the negative ones. All mental chatter, none of it me.

And yes, you can probably imagine, this was an odd life! I mostly sat and did nothing, whatsoever! I would stare out the window much of the time, or sit on the deck, or float in the pool, and when it came time to use the mind it felt tedious, but I was quite stubborn on my quest to feel and not think! People would say, “Do you have any big plans for this weekend?”, Hah! I’d just smile and say “I’ll probably just relax”. Talk about a far cry from the usual human life for a 40 year old gal with kids and a big home, and a previously big, busy, bustling life. But the inner knowing was strong and nothing was more important than getting to the bottom of this. By now it was about knowing who/what I am, experiencing me, embodying me, beyond all the conditioning and emotions. I became obsessed with knowing my true Self. The more I sat in silence, the more the passion grew.

One sunny day, I sat on the deck and the ego roared louder and louder with meanness and fright. I watched, shrugged… nothing unusual with that. I was basically watching it now like “blah blah blah” seeing the same old projections. Next, it switched gears and offered me contentment and riches if I were to grab a notebook and write out the script to follow my earthly “mission” to create some successful new business on the planet. I saw a vision, a plan, “oh this is it!”. I felt the neediness of the reaction and stayed in my breath, not engaging this story. The body shed some tears as the emotional levels reacted to this as if “Ohhh, finally, the life of my dreams, the fruit is hanging right there!!” As if I were losing something in that moment by not reacting, as if I was letting some great gift slip through my fingers. Oh please… What a trick this was! I did not flinch at the ego’s claims and grasping, feeling the fear underlying these polarized attempts to get my attention, get my light and to get me to feed it.

As I went back to my breath, feeling my presence, I felt an immense, gruesome horror arise from within my belly! I nearly popped out of my body! UGHHHH! I felt my awareness splitting off to run away from this darkness and I stopped. Nope! No running. I stayed firmly in my awareness. I actually said to myself “this is MY body!” and I dove my consciousness into the horror, headfirst. I saw the image of me flying headfirst into this huge dark cloud. It seemed impenetrable at first and it took all my will and might to keep going into it, to keep merging back into my body. But then... POP! I pierced it and it began to quickly, forcefully suck me in. My instinct was again to resist, to run, to pull up and out. But, I realized this was the trick. If I AM that I AM, if I’m eternal, what is there to protect except a false self? I let myself relax into the darkness and I let it consume me.

As I did, I remember moving from my chair lay to lay down on the deck because I felt I may pass out and tumble down to the ground. As I relaxed into myself, I felt I would die if I didn’t hang on, or pull out, or resist. The very last statement I made to myself was “I Am Eternal, or I’m ready to find out if not!”. I began falling through portal after portal that went into and through the core of my being. The big trick was to do nothing, to be effortless, to surrender. I felt my head peel open and the same at the base of my spine, and then they both exploded and imploded. I was convinced that the body had dispersed into tiny particles in that moment, and Cathy was no more.

At the time, I’d never heard of a kundalini awakening (other than some foo foo yoga term about accessing kundalini or things that seemed like fluffy concepts). After this event, I searched out others’ stories and realized it’s just one, unique and beautiful example of the magic often experienced in NDEs, Kundalini awakenings, and other divine miracles which don’t match our logical view of this linear time space reality. I know full well that I made a miraculous time hop. The body exploded, but time and space were completely malleable in the moment of surrender and the Creator Self’s choice, or you could say the highest potential that was surrendered to, and spontaneously manifested, was the final outcome where I essentially dematerialized from one dimensional plane and re-entered in the “past” before the body had vaporized. Somehow in between, outside of time space, many energy realignments were made in an instant. Time isn’t linear, technically, it’s just dimensional and it’s all happening now. Even quantum physics knows this, although it makes our brains hurt! I couldn’t have made this happen if I tried. Miracles occur spontaneously!

I felt no real concern as to whether the body had literally died. I had been too mesmerized with the feeling of eternity growing within for quite some time. This internal ocean, this eternity, often accessed by the breath, had been my steady best friend, my light in the dark, my saving grace all these years. No matter where I was, or what was happening, it was there like an embrace, and it was where I stayed most of the time, ignoring the fluctuations of the mind and the energies all around. This feeling of eternity became the ultimate addiction for me, replacing the old tools. It was far more desirable than grasping towards the outside world and that old life.

The last thing I recall after falling through portal after portal and exploding is being nothing. No Thing. Eternal nothingness. It’s impossible to describe. It’s entirely peaceful and not scary at all.

Returning to my body was a huge surprise. A single tone streamed into the vessel and jolted the mind back into action. “What?? What’s that? Is that Sound? Ahhh.. what exactly is sound again? Where is it coming from?”. I felt a vibration and realized it was coming from the throat and realized I had a body! The eyes burst opened to see the most brilliant and beautiful colors - incredible bright - blue and white - of a puffy, cloud filled sky. It was as if I’d never seen through eyes before, or had been in a body before, and it was magnificent! I was shocked to watch myself celebrating “Yes!! I have a body!”. Thank God I was home, all alone, in a country setting. I was hugging the body and rolling on the ground, with such joy that I sometimes wish I could physically re-live this moment.

My laughter turned to tears of pure, utter, joyful relief as I realized “I’m okay! Everyone’s really okay! Everything is okay!!”. All the fear I’d felt for my own journey, the lives of people I love, and for the earth - it was dissolved in that moment. It felt like I was crying through every pore in the body, releasing fear by the gallon, and then I felt like a rag that had been squeezed out - very relaxed and content in this feeling of pure relief, which soon expanded into the joy and excitement of existence - a joy fueled by the knowing that there is truly no problem that is a true problem! Everything is in divine and perfect order, always. In fact, everything is brilliant and perfect from this viewpoint as Creator. I had really felt it was true, and believed it was true for many years now, but I hadn’t fully embodied it before. There is a great a difference between believing something and knowing. What a difference this has made in my life. In that moment, our eternally untainted, unharmed, unchangeable nature became undeniably ingrained within me, and has remained ever since.

It’s as though I had a million experiences and realizations in that single moment and it took months and years to integrate and come to terms with so much. I know I could have left the earthly plane and gone elsewhere, but my Creator Self chose to stay and transform this body and mind into a more and more of a clear expression of Creator Consciousness in human form. Yet it is also true to say that it was the spontaneous and natural manifestation of Creator’s desire to know itself through form, combined with my human aspect’s determination and desire for love and truth and to know thyself. This is the greatest love story there ever is and have has been. The human and divine yearning to know each other, to be ONE, to come together in the full merging of human body with Divine Creator Essence. Love is the most powerful miracle maker, after all.

I saw myself coming to earth with my soul group. I saw the magnetics of the universe and how this push/pull of duality and gravity works. I saw ancestral memories of my biological family. I had knowings of changes to come. I had visions of things that I ended up doing years later, somewhat to my human aspect’s surprise each time they did in fact happen just as seen. I saw this life much like a dream state, with the real ME always existing and watching it all, guiding me through every twist and turn. And, Oh! How often I did NOT listen to myself!!! I saw I was never unloved or forsaken. I saw this life sooooo teeny tiny by comparison to all that I Am. I saw so many things that my human mind felt overloaded and the body felt overloaded energetically, like a whole different biological experience requiring even more trust and surrender.

I also experienced deep silence - an eerie and ambiguous space for the ego/mind. I couldn’t come up with a thing to do for some time, and so I sat and sat and sat some more! The filters and heavy overlays of fear and control were greatly diminished and I became much more honest and direct in my expression with everyone. Well, I surely thought “This is it! I’m done!”. Hah! That cracks me up today. Although profound, it was simply another new beginning in the experience of linear time in a body.

Since then, I’ve been continuously clearing the body of emotional density, rewriting the mind, rewriting and resequencing the DNA into my image, and reclaiming soul fragments that were unable to integrate at that time. I’ve been stepping into new life after new life. It never ends. For as long as we’re here, we continue to expand and evolve through the body. Our expanding presence creates biological changes, mental changes, emotional changes, personal life changes, and relationship changes with everything and everyone. What I find most brilliant, is how I feel about myself and others - this huge level of acceptance and appreciation beyond judgment. There’s no challenge or problem that could be a REALLY BIG problem! It’s always just the next situation to walk through and release old energy and embody more of my true essence.

Even better now, is how free I am to do, say, act, and be in this world. It seems this suppressing of my true expression created much of the discomfort and desire to feel better and numb myself. There is incredible bliss in free and pure and uninhibited expressiveness. It is hard to remember how I felt back at the beginning of this story and at many ending points and new beginnings all along the way. I can barely imagine feeling so confined, so concerned about everything, so constricted in so many ways. I can hardly imagine living with such frustration, overwhelm, anger, and suffering, except I CAN remember enough to be grateful to have transcended it and to know full well it is all a choice and it is available to every single person who chooses it for themselves.

I don’t follow a spiritual practice or program. I'm not affiliated with any group. I don’t have a conduct code, a rule book, or even try to be a “do gooder". So much of this stuff is loaded with beliefs and judgment. More BS to clear and expand beyond. So much spiritual groups tell you how to act, be, what love is... all these definitions when your essence is far beyond all that. Your true Self has innate integrity, so you don't need a code. Without fear or judgment (all BS), generally speaking, you would never have the desire lie, cheat, steal, murder, or even condemn another. Maybe you'd tell a white lie out of love for another, knowing the blunt truth would not be in their best interest. There are exceptions to everything because every situation is unique. This is where your wisdom kicks. As the ego is dying off, you don’t feel the need to condemn it either. You can laugh at the mind when it roars or judges or wants to lie, cheat, or obliterate, steal, cry, whine, condemn. You can find humor in it all, because you see it is not the ultimate reality! It's more like a giant movie and you have created your human character with all its colorfulness. You go from once upon a time judging all this to seeing beauty in it! You appreciate the creativity, the richness, the diversity, and what once was seen as harsh, bad, horrific, is now a beautiful landscape of creator in it's movie, pretending to be this character or that character. Not so real.

The character keeps evolving. I let myself flow and I let myself be as is, not trying to overly control the human expression. Still, when I feel a trigger, an emotion of angst, a serious anger or judgment towards some thing or some one, I address it! I don’t want that density taking up space in my body. I acknowledge judgment is not really me. I don’t adopt it, I divorce it! When the ego/mind tries to justify hating on someone, I go direct and rewrite this old judgment. I send them love and see the beauty in them. The ego hates this.

Send your biggest enemy love right now. OOOOhhh the ego hates it! Haha! Is there anyone in the world you can't send love to right now? Well, now you know the ego has you, and you are not seeing clearly, through your eyes as Creator. The ego doesn't pull this "Hateful" trick because it's "bad", it is just afraid to die. The poor little bugger is scared as heck. If you let go of the judgment, and let love in, it's a goner. You can despise someone's actions, but that's not who they are. They are the I AM within, but you've fallen into the trap of making someone out to be their ego actions vs. the true essence. Now you've fallen prey to your own ego. I promise, there's no hate in your true heart because there's no one to hate. There's only Source in truth and that's all of us. Beyond this dreamlike state, we're all in our divine perfection - never been harmed, never born, never died.

The more I release judgment, the more light I embody, and the brighter and more joyful I feel. To allow and bless this release, I see how old BS and judgments truly served me in my old reality. I appreciate their creation and reason for existence, and I set them free so I can now be me, no longer being a perceptional “solidified” character, who was truly only ever a conglomeration of fictional, invented concepts, beliefs, stories and identities. So, now I can be me, vibrating well beyond the mass collective, the 3d matrix, the 4d matrix, and living in my own New Earth reality. At times, I find myself side by side with people who perceive the very same situation to be awful, while I enjoy it immensely and see great beauty. This is living on the New Earth… I am here. It is a vibrational shift, not a difference physical place.

Back to my own relaxation way of embodiment. Over the next several years following the NDE, I continued to listen to my favorite embodied guides. I’d feel the tangible realness of my presence, relaxing deeply, drinking in the breath, experiences myself outside of time, and merging more fully into the body. I relaxed a lot and worried very, very little about money or future. Oh, the sensations of bliss…. Hmmm… How to describe this? I felt at times the most exquisite, breathtaking sensations in the body, in the breath, and at times they were so powerful they would knock me unconscious. It’s like the ego/mind would just shut down avoiding the incredibly pure sensations of love. Perhaps it blew circuits on the conscious mind? This was bliss beyond any substance or outside experience. There is nothing from my previous human life to compare this to, but it wasn’t all the time - it was few and far between. Many times still felt very heavy and challenging to walk through, and it took all my awareness and determination to stay in the heart of knowing, not feeding nor empowering the fear and control of the ego/mind.

The ego was indeed a bit irritated to realize that I still had more old energy to clear out! The ego loves to find fault - it is the judger. It was built on problems, so it’s quite good at making up problems where there are none. It practically considers everything to be a problem. I was much like an infant re-learing how to live in a whole new way. Rather than continue to lay in the crib, it was time to start crawling, then eventually walking, and it was very, very wobbly going for years!

I learned to have tough conversations again and again, to honor my feelings, to ask for what I want, to choose for myself, to set others free that didn’t flow with the new me, and this didn’t come easily at first. There were incredible bumps, bruises and setbacks along the way, but setbacks are natural. They only help us revisit and remember what we don’t want to do and where we don’t want to be. It's a process of expansion and contraction. For every expansion, we have a mini contraction for physical integration. Change doesn’t happen in one wave of a paintbrush. It is more like a needle point, where we keep going back into the same place, but just a smidge to the side, again and again and again…. and eventually this beautiful new picture is just there, but the key is to focus on each plunge of the needle, only this very moment. The inevitable outcome - the beautiful new landscape - comes to form almost seemingly effortlessly as we're focused on one stitch at a time. A decade later, I’m still pushing one stitch at a time. I'm also still clearing out closets, attics, and more in my consciousness. The landscape has changed again and again with 5+ moves, 15+ part-time jobs, new relationships and even old ones restarting in new ways, but mainly it's the way I FEEL that is the foundation of this new landscape.

Some folks say that we can just acknowledge we are realized, and then it is done, but this is a tremendous oversimplification. For sure, acknowledge your True eternal Self, and feel it and live this fully, but don’t let the ego pull the wool over your eyes when it pretends to be “The Awakened Master” beyond any need for self reflection and contemplation. The enlightened identity can be hilarious. If you’ve ever heard someone complain about how hard it is to be so awakened in an unconscious world… this is it. The trickster. It has pulled the wool over my eyes countless times, and you can always notice because your discernment, which comes from wisdom (not judgment) has no issues. You can be fully aware of others’ indiscretions, or others’ judgments, or even the ones you’ve embodied, and have zero reaction about it.

Your Creator Self allows everyone and everything to be as is. If you feel a trigger, it’s not purely you. It’s something to be released and replaced with YOU. In a way, it's a gift!

You may feel the emotion of anger arise if you are acting by way of pleasing and appeasing others and doing something you don’t want to do. This is because you’re not acting from your pure expression. You’re acting from fear and control and the emotions are fueling this anger. The good news, it’s arising to let you know that you are NOT in alignment with the truth of who you are.

Similarly, You may feel anger arising where in the past you had allowed others to take advantage of you, but this time you are being true to yourself and not giving into the wants of others. As you feel this anger, you realize it’s just energy passing through, finally set free, and you wave goodbye. You may take some deep breaths or moving the body a bit to help it flow and clear out. Maybe a good rock song! Maybe you howl at the mood? Whatever, let it move!

In another example, you may feel anger arise about someone’s behavior. You recognize now that you’re in pure judgment. This is an easy one. Live and let live. Accept everyone as is. You take all this anger and you give it to your Creator Self. “Not mine!”. Give it to God. And wave goodbye. The mind may bark a while but you stay firmly in your heart. “No, this is not me, not mine, this is judgment". As the energy leaves, you feel harmonious again, like yourSelf, and you can accept them without judgment.

Now, the twist - you still may make a choice to not spend time with this person due to their behavior. You need not be part of the behavior! Is it really so awful or harmful, or were you judging them? But you choose from the space of discernment, wisdom, and clarity, rather than reacting from judgment and empowering the anger. And by all means, if you don’t feel like being around someone, then don’t!!! Now you’re free to choose.

Had you believed this angry projection to be “true”, you would have stuffed your body with more heavy, dense emotional energy. This has a domino effect on your body, mind, and world taking all of you into the direction of conflict, drama, and physical ailments.

In all these cases about the anger, it isn’t a problem! It’s showing you where you were once not being yourself, so it’s a gift, is it not?? It isn’t “YOU”. You’re not empowering it by making it valid beyond resolution, nor by fighting it, because when you resist and fight something, you give it your light. Fighting something only enlivens it.

In each case, you see the anger for what it is and you re-write your mind, body, and actions in the world. This changes your brain, DNA, RNA, genetic encodements, akashic records, energy field, physical health. This domino effect changes literally EVERYTHING.

You re-write an old pattern of fearfully people pleasing and saying yes when you mean no, and POOF it dissolves. You re-write an old pattern of identifying with the emotional energy as it leaves and POOF it’s gone. You re-write an old pattern of judging others and creating anger in the first place and POOF it is gone.

As long as you remain in human form, there’s opportunity to become and explore more of who you truly are through human expression. YOU have unending, increasing joy and bliss. Your true senses just keep growing: love, acceptance, compassion, understanding, kindness, silliness, lightness, vibrancy, joy, clarity, and freedom. I imagine, if and when you hit the maximum on all this, then you might decide to POOF out of the physical, but I surely have not come close to maxing this out, nor is it any type of goal! I don’t have a big opinion about how long I stay in this body. YOU welcome and enjoy everything, all along the way, without expectations for how things end up, because you’re fully immersed in presence and expressiveness and living and enjoying whatever it is you’re doing.

If there is any purpose to life (beyond the obvious purpose of enjoying it), I’d say this is it. To wake up, remember who you are, and live in, of, and as that presence. To know thyself, through form. It, your presence, purifies and clarifies everything, and life takes on a life unto itself as we let creation unfold for us. The directions and knowings and inspirations come to you, and you just say YES!!!

I don’t take for granted this 2nd chance to enjoy this body from a whole difference embodiment. I might quite often appear to be lacking seriousness, joking and laughing about anything and everything, because it’s all truly okay in the end. But, I am serious about aligning with my Self, and keeping clear on what is my true Self vs. what is born of survival and then choosing love over fear at every turn. Why empower fear when you have been there and done that? I want to explore more love! With the deep patterning of the mind, ego, and body, this choice requires constant awareness and commitment to Self..… until it doesn’t anymore. It becomes more and more natural. But, I still always keep an eye out for the trickster!

As far as relaxation and sitting in presence goes… I sat and sat and sat and sat for years feeling my true state. I am nothingness. I am radiance. I am free of push/pull energies. I am free of excitement (although the radiance can feel quite exciting in the body). I am free of sensations. I am free of drama, worries, joy, love. I am nothing. I am grand, as are you, but without form, without physical expression, our experience is very narrow. I am nothing.

From wallowing in this place of nothingness, I decided that I wanted to explore new goals, new challenges, new adventures. I wanted to see how much joy and bliss I could embody and express in this form. I wanted to test my fearlessness and unlimited expression back in the world of duality. I wanted to try on one pair of new shoes after another pair of new shoes and see how the old scenarios felt different with this new embodied knowingness and expanded perspective. Each time I jumped into a new scenario, old energy residue would come forth for a cleaning and clearing - to be illuminated by my constantly growing presence and radiance. I still encounter challenging old energies, but they have become so much easier to traverse. It is like dealing with small confused children, whereas once upon a time, it felt like battling huge, scary monsters.

For the last few years, I’m finding it a bit hard to relax for long. The body has so much energy, and my presence expands constantly, so it’s hard to slow this vessel down. Putting the breaks on natural expansion and natural energy flow takes a lot of energy! It is opposite of what we’ve been taught. Human programming is based on a belief that we have a limited energy supply. Much like the simple math equation for weight of “calories in minus calories burned”, but this is all old BS. Our natural state is a constant flow of energy through the physical form. Food was only intended to help us ground into the body, rather than pop out, not to provide fuel. Your presence, which creates your light, is the real fuel. As you release the overlays and embody your light, the body requires less and less rest and rarely become tired. Our bodies become clearer and lighter and even less physical feeling, like being translucent or weightless. Quite often, the more active I am, the more energy that is generated, and it leaves me on a high buzz of vibrational energy after long, busy days, which I’m still learning how to harmonize with.

Recalibrating the physical to match my light body has a lot to do with helping the mind let go of what was, and fully accept and allow what IS, and keep stepping into new terrains. It requires releasing old patterns of sleep, rest, movement, etc., and being open to more fluidity and flexibility. I’m always learning new ways to move along with the physical sensations. Sometimes the old patterns of comfort and familiarity want to put the breaks on a bit. Even the old comfort of sitting in silence is alluring, yet I can hardly sit for long. Old comforts like watching TV are still enjoyed but the time I can spend in comfort activities becomes less each day. I don’t deny, judge, or fight these things… I allow myself to be present with them and feel within. Does it feel nice, light, a sense of connection within, joyful, enjoyable, etc? Great, Do it!!! If it’s starting to feel heavy, dull, boring, etc, I naturally feel drawn to do something else.

At one time, I sat and sat and sat. I surrendered to death, to relaxation, to feeling the emotional energies. I surrendered into the body. I resigned all the go go go, do do do, avoid, run, achieve, distract, and I went deeply into silence. Now, it seems the tides have turned and my essence refuses to sit for very long. I can’t bridle the Creator Self, I can’t control it, I can’t contain it. It lifts me up and carries me through scenario after scenario. The intense energy in the body can feel overwhelming to the preconceptions of the mind. I’ve had moments wondering “what will I do with all this energy!?”. It reminds me of the contrasting moments where I felt I’d never have the energy to fully live life again. What a shift. What a blessing. My part is to say “YES” to the Creator Self and let it flow.

The energy on the planet is ideal for our constant embodiment and expansion now. It is easier than ever to keep flowing if you choose. However, if you decide to hold on to the old, it’s harder than ever.

I came to realize, eventually, that my search for relief through drugs and alcohol in my teens, twenties, and thirties was linked to my passion for the embodied, enlightened, blissful state. Deep within this body, I had a remembrance from birth. I was born a fully clear and integrated facet of Creator Consciousness, my first time on the planet, not rejoining a karmic family via reincarnation, which equated to a state of extreme bliss and freedom in a body. Being ONE of and as the Creator, is a state of pure love, and what deeper bliss could exist? That’s how I felt as a newborn.

As I created beliefs about myself and the world during the early years, I formed the subconscious mind, and with this I created and embodied heavy emotions and fears which made a barrier, blocking ME from feeling ME. This is essentially true for us all. Everyone on the planet is seeking the Love of Source, of God, of Creator, within themselves, but most don’t realize it’s already there, it’s waiting for them with open arms, and it’s not found in a doctrine or rule book, it’s just in your own heart. We seek this love, unconsciously trying to fill the void with friends, work, money, food, etc., but none of that will ever satiate the empty feeling within.

Something within me always knew that this heavy, serious, boring, dull, dense state of life was not natural and I could never stand it, nor succumb to it. I was always seeking - promotion after promotion, relationship after relationship, but it all felt empty in the end. So, the tendency to enjoy partying, getting drunk, and getting high was searching for this feeling of relief and even into bliss and freedom that I knew deep inside. It was an attempt to feel more like “myself”. I enjoyed pot because I felt loved, embraced, relaxed, and easy going. I could access these states of consciousness when I used it to meditate, but it came with all sorts of undesired side effects and eventually lost is luster altogether. I touched my true self in that state often - and it set ablaze a fire inside to connect with ME directly & naturally. I came to realize I didn’t need any tool, any substance, any ritual, any ceremony, any crystals, any chanting, any certain diet, any guru, any special breath method, anything external whatsoever. You need nothing else to connect with and feel the bliss of the Self - it’s natural. But, all these tools helped a bit along the way, until I outgrew them. In the end, we outgrow all the tools, yet we can play with and what the body calls for. I do enjoy a glass or two of wine once again, whenever I want, after many, many long stretches of sobriety. You can tell you’re free when there’s no trigger, no judgment, and you can take it or leave it - and so you can truly enjoy it without attachment nor aversion.

Even when you feel joy or bliss through connecting with another person, it is not coming from them. Love is love is love. It’s Universal. No one owns it. No one possesses it. Love is only felt by you to the amount that you allow yourself to open and feel and receive who or what you really are. You allow yourself to receive the love of creation, for it is the core of every particle. The love of Source, of the I AM, is not personal. Every feeling of love is ultimately You allowing the flow and expression of you. Some people just hold a really expansive and safe space for you to open up and feel the love that you are. When your intent is to know thyself, and two people with this intent come together in presence, the fear naturally subsides, for there is no wanting from the person, no projecting at the person, and more love and presence can be felt. This is why events built around this feel so supportive and nurturing. You leave the ego at the door and just merge together in presence, and let it dissolve all the gunk.

I share this story as a reassurance and reminder that there is nothing you can’t transcend. There is no state of consciousness that is beyond the reach of your Creator Self, the Love of All That Is. If you choose to realize your true essence, and you stay firmly and passionately with this choice, it is inevitable. You have only always been this divine essence, so returning to Self is literally inevitable in the end, but if you choose to realize it while in this body, you get to enjoy the sensations and the joy and the rich diversity of being human.

You cannot laugh without a body. You cannot really express love without a body. You cannot even feel sadness or fear without a body. You may say “but I have felt the love of my guides, the celestial beings, and the Creator, so they must be able to express love too!”. But, without a body to receive this radiance, there is simply nothingness. You have created the ability to receive and feel this thing we call love. Your body is the instrument for the nothingness of ‘All That Is’ to flow into and through, expanding through creation. Since this All That Is, is felt as LOVE, all along, you are feeling and expressing this love as you let it flow. We came here to love and be loved. It is one and the same as it flows through you. We are just scratching the surface. What an exciting adventure.

Sometimes I remind myself, when the mind wonders about doing this or that: “My only real job in this whole life, is to be the Love that I Am.”. For me, this Universal ‘job’ supersedes any other taught or assumed responsibilities and that is a huge relief! It really makes life simple and easy. You don’t even have to try to “be loving”. Maybe it’s better not to if it’s coming from a belief, doctrine, or some fake, sugary human taught type of love? It’s wonderful to be inspiring, uplifting and loving, but you can just be in presence and that is the greatest, richest gift of love.

For several years, I’ve been offering relaxation audios, videos, live events, energetic journeys, energy work, and more to assist with this remembrance and embodiment of Self. I’ve also done loads of part-time jobs in all types of fields that are far, far different from my pre-awakening corporate job choices. Each of these choices, made by my Creator Self, challenged and surprised me. In the end, I enjoyed every single bit of it. My latest bliss has gone beyond sitting, into the immense bliss of jumping into every scenario with my heart and energy wide open. The line between fear and excitement seems to have mostly vanished along with self consciousness and the desire to censor my expression. Expression has become the new bliss. This is the passion of the Creator Self, who just loves to expand and express. As I expand, you expand, and the whole of creation expands. Namaste!